Concealed Emotions

Flashback… 4 march 2003*

Someone broke into our house just as we were all asleep. When I heard a very familiar voice speaking right underneath my bedroom, I slowly got off my bed and pulled the door barely open, through which I could squint and have a little view of what was going on outside. What came into my sight was my father who was walking toward my room. Startled by what I saw, I jumped back onto my bed right away and pretended to be asleep. Mixed thoughts came rushing through my reverie, as though I couldn’t tell which emotion I should feel upon seeing my dad. In my dimly-lit room, he entered. I could feel his strong presence as he laid something on my bedside table. Whatever it was, I wouldn’t want to know. Without a word or even a gesture, he left me with a blank look on his face. Exactly as he had gotten out of the room, I followed and tried to reach out for him though he wouldn’t look back at me. Instead, I concealed myself behind my bedroom door to avoid being seen by my aunt, who, at that moment, was speaking to him. My father seemed as if a robot, having shown no expression on his face as he murmured peculiar words which sounded like gibberish to me. I peeked from behind the slightly opened door and watched my dad as he slowly walked away and out of sight.
Frustrated to express my sentiments for him, I felt as if I was a prisoner of my four-cornered room, as if I had been locked on a chain that obstructed me from reaching out for him, as if I had been ensnared by my emotions that I didn’t know whether to be happy or be sad. Instead, I was only a little child whose voice was unheard.
I confined myself on one corner until I found myself crying so hard that my breath almost stifled.
After awhile, I suddenly became unconscious.
Thinking that I had been suffering from a fatal nightmare, a person came rushing into my room and said, “Gising na, you must have been dreaming.”
After having traveled to a fantasy (which I know would seem impossible to happen), my poor restless soul finally came back to my body as my cousin suddenly slapped my face so hard that it brought me back to reality.

(This dream had occurred the night before I left for Austria. 4.March 2003)